So Many Asses

Growing up I never realized just how much ass wiping life really consisted of. And I mean that literally. Maybe it’s just me and my life but wow, really, so much ass wiping.

Starting out in life it was really just my own ass that I had to take care of. So it wasn’t all that bad, I lived with it all my life and it was just second nature. Then I got older and a few nephews came along. And I started to babysit. Lots more asses to take care of. Yeah, it was gross but part of the job so I just did it. Sometimes I got paid to do it which made it semi-tolerable but not any less nasty. Go ahead, ask me about the time I had to pull a dry, rock hard turd from a constipated one year old that I was babysitting for. Not a pleasant experience for either of us.

Then I grew up and along came my own kids. I think I spent around 8 years just wiping their butts. In hindsight, I realize I should have purchased stock in baby wipes and toilet paper. (HIND-sight? See what I did there?) I can’t believe I held down two jobs in between wiping their asses. Even after some were old enough to wipe their own asses, I still had to do some dirty ass work. Once I had to wait until my oldest fell asleep, spread her butt cheeks open, and look with a flashlight to see if I could see pinworms. Yeah, I saw pinworms. No wonder she was rubbing her butt across the living room carpet like a dog. Oh the joys!

I did get a break from wiping other people’s asses while my kids were in their teens. Now that doesn’t mean I was ass free or poop free. We had cats, dogs, turtles, chickens, horses and even pigs for a while. I started calling our place “Dingleberry Farm”. Seriously, I can’t believe how much poop was made and how much clean up there always was. At times it felt overwhelming. We even had a dog once that went out to poop, then proceeded to eat said poop, came back in the house just to vomit up the recycled poop. Seriously, I had to clean up puked up poop. Not sure if it can get worse than that!

I now have two grandchildren. Back to the ass wiping stage again. And they both have the uncanny ability to ALWAYS have to drop a load (or two) at my house when they are visiting. Never fails. And my granddaughter insists that I WIPE HER BUTT. EVERYTIME. Yeah, because I’m a professional. My grandson isn’t old enough yet to ask specifically for my services so I can sometimes get out of it. But soon enough, he will insist that I do the deed for him too. It’s just inevitable. I figure he set the tone when he was about a week old. His mom (my oldest) was changing his diaper on the living room footstool when he totally blasted ass. Without a diaper on. Poop shot between my daughter’s legs and splattered all over the hardwood floor. It almost made it to the couch! So, I may be a professional ass wiper but that kid is definitely a professional pooper. Challenge accepted little man. Challenge accepted.

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